The cloud of darkness

I have my ups and downs, luckily for finally getting the right meds this year has been mainly ups for my mental well being, I haven't been hit to bad with any downs.

Until recently, it creeps up so slowly, one little push from some meaningless word or doing and the spiral into the cloud of darkness starts. It's hard to explain to the people around you especially when they don't know anything about it.

It really is a cloud, thats what it feels like in my head, clouded, dark, misty, heavy and all rationality and stableness flies out the window and I turn into a whole other person, maybe a multitude of people depending on what you say to me, from raving lunatic to vicious and defensive, to weepy and quiet, eventually I just withdraw from everyone and it's just easier if everyone stays away from me.

I can't deal with myself never mind anyone else, being a mother is hard during these times as patience isn't a quality that the clouds allow, being loving and affectionate to my BF is a task I can't take on and getting through a day is a mountain I have to crawl up with very little strength.

My mom and my sister know how to handle me best, I don't think they understand what is going on in my head but they have witnessed it enough times to know, don't ask any questions, don't probe, don't touch me and don't tell me to be rational. I realised this on Sunday when the BF called them and told them to either come fetch me or fetch Aiden because I wasn't being sane and they came and took Aiden without any questions or judgemental looks.

The BF is also pretty good with me, he doesn't fully grasp it yet, he is still learning that these phases are not who I really am and that it's something I go through and eventually I reach the light again, he's still learning that it isn't one day of darkness but it can be a week or a month but he does take it on the chin and never raises his voice at me and tries his hardest to handle me with sensitivity and care.

I do wish I could snap my fingers and be out of it, just rise above it because I know deep down it's not reality but it's there and it hovers and right now it's beating me and I struggling to make it through one day at a time.

Hopefully the sun shines soon.

Switched off!

It's a whole nother post but Vodacom blocked my phone last week and when I mean another post I mean a good lengthy rant about how crappy they are but moving on for now. I was switched off, it was like having my arm cut off at first, I even cried people, literally cried and feared how I was going to make it through without my phone.

My phone is attached to my right hand, I am always on it, always updating social media, blogging off it, instagram, Facebook, Twitter, stupid games that give me nothing to my life. When I got home I would literally go to my room, ignore my family and mess around on my phone till bedtime. I claimed it was my relaxing time, my me time, my down time in reality I see know it was me escaping, hiding and ignoring my family, my kid, my partner.

So this past weekend I have no pictures for you, I had know step by step updates, no instagrams and no check ins but you know what I did have, I had an amazing weekend with my little boy.

On Friday night I didn't just put on a movie for him and do my own thing, I actually cuddled with him on the couch and watched the movies with him.

On Saturday we played cars, and super hero's and gun wars and played with the ball in the garden. We went shopping and got him some bubbles and an air gun and played in my parents yard for hours. I watched his smile instead of photographing it, I heard his laugh instead of Facebooking the moment.

On Sunday I took Aiden to the park and then got over my fat put on a costume and swam with him all day long and we had the best time, he was so happy and I was so happy.

I woke up this morning feeling different, energized, like I really had a good weekend, I felt rested and looking forward to the week ahead which is so different to my usual Monday morning blues.

I was forced to switch off and this morning when they switched me back on, I deleted all my silly games, looked at all the little red notifiers and ignored them till I got to work.

I won't give up Social media but I will limit myself and spend more time focusing on my family and the people around me. I will pull out my camera and take good quality pics of my boy, I won't check whats happening in other peoples life's instead I will live mine.