Learning to be a mother

I don't really know if any woman is born a natural mother, maybe there are those ladies out there that it just comes naturally too, that's what they always wanted, to be is a mom. All I can say it hasn't for me.

I am still learning to be a mother and a lot of the time I really suck at it.

I see a shrink if you didn't know, I have a a few (a lot) of issues and I see a psychiatrist and take meds and the whole lot, I am the poster child for mental illness. Yesterday I went to him for my usual catch up and meds adjustment and he asked why am I still so lost when I am so confident in so many areas, what holds me back from being the full me, what causes so much anxiety.

I said, I am not a good mother.

I think about it continuously, it consumes my mind, my thoughts and it causes extreme anxiety until I feel ill to my stomach.

I know where my faults lay, I am not very affectionate or compassionate, I am impatient and easily tempered and can often be irritable. I lack energy and struggle with fatigue so I lack the care to continually give Aiden the attention he craves.

To add to matters, Aiden at the moment is very attached and doesn't want to do anything alone, he won't even sleep in his own bed anymore. I have tried building structure and routine and then I threw it out the window because it was just to hard to continually fight him on it, if he wants to eat bovril toast in front of the tv for supper, so be it.

But it eats me up inside that I am getting it wrong, that I snap to quickly, I discipline to harshly, that I don't do enough with him, that I don't make proper suppers and eat around the dinner table. Everything I didn't want to be or all the things I wanted to raise my child having I seem to do the opposite.

My doctor said that because I can even admit that, I am there by a good mother, I told him I pay him to say things like that and he threw back actually you  pay me to be honest. Which he is.

He has given me tips for dealing with Aiden and what a kid his age needs and how to deal with his current co-dependancy and told me learning to be a mother is a constant thing and will never really end but when I watch other moms they seem to have gotten it right, right from the start.

Endless battles with feeding my kid

The blog world this week has lit up with how to feed your kid and what is healthy and what is not healthy and how bad kids menu's are at resturants.

Now I agree with some of it and disagree with some of it.

I agree we should teach our kids from young what is healthy and what is not, I don't agree with being an insane mom who smothers her child with cucumber and the latest trend of what is acceptable eating.

Spur for example is fun and their food is fun, I take my child to Spur for fun, I don't go to Spur and eat salad, I eat buffalo wings and chips with blue cheese sauce and I enjoy it, not daily or weekly but as a now and again treat, if they took mac n cheese off the kiddies menu my kid would literally not eat!

Now my kid is a picky eater and as I was raised I do not force feed him anything, if he isn't hungry he doesn't have to eat and if he doesn't like what is made he can choose an option that is easily prepared or what I buy in advance, like Woolies kiddies mac n cheese (Aidens version is awesome noodles), shop bought muffins, bovril toast, yogurt, porraige or fish fingers.

He doesn't like veg.

He doesn't like meat.

He doesn't like rice or potatoes.

I don't like most veg, I don't like my food touching or stews and soups. I don't like cottage pie and I hate salad. I don't eat it but I still eat a healthy diet.

Fair enough my kid isn't eating a balanced diet but he isn't malnourished or some crazy zombie child. He is a kid. I apparently would only eat spaghetti bolognaise as a kid and I am perfectly fine adjusted adult. Yes a tad over weight from pregnancy and being insulin resistant but definitely not from mac n cheese and chicken nuggets as a kid.

For some reason Aiden will eat all food at school, teachers say it's a monkey see, monkey do effect so I know at least 5 days out the week for breakfast, snack and lunch he is getting in all his veggies, protein, fruit and dairy so I am not to phased about the other meals being less than adequate.

Maybe I am a bad parent or a lazy one but I'm not going to make my kid scared of food, of eating or having fun. There should be balance in everything, parenting today has become so structured,  so rigid, so fad related and high strung.

Let kids be kids, hot dogs on white bread and all!