The cloud of darkness

I have my ups and downs, luckily for finally getting the right meds this year has been mainly ups for my mental well being, I haven't been hit to bad with any downs.

Until recently, it creeps up so slowly, one little push from some meaningless word or doing and the spiral into the cloud of darkness starts. It's hard to explain to the people around you especially when they don't know anything about it.

It really is a cloud, thats what it feels like in my head, clouded, dark, misty, heavy and all rationality and stableness flies out the window and I turn into a whole other person, maybe a multitude of people depending on what you say to me, from raving lunatic to vicious and defensive, to weepy and quiet, eventually I just withdraw from everyone and it's just easier if everyone stays away from me.

I can't deal with myself never mind anyone else, being a mother is hard during these times as patience isn't a quality that the clouds allow, being loving and affectionate to my BF is a task I can't take on and getting through a day is a mountain I have to crawl up with very little strength.

My mom and my sister know how to handle me best, I don't think they understand what is going on in my head but they have witnessed it enough times to know, don't ask any questions, don't probe, don't touch me and don't tell me to be rational. I realised this on Sunday when the BF called them and told them to either come fetch me or fetch Aiden because I wasn't being sane and they came and took Aiden without any questions or judgemental looks.

The BF is also pretty good with me, he doesn't fully grasp it yet, he is still learning that these phases are not who I really am and that it's something I go through and eventually I reach the light again, he's still learning that it isn't one day of darkness but it can be a week or a month but he does take it on the chin and never raises his voice at me and tries his hardest to handle me with sensitivity and care.

I do wish I could snap my fingers and be out of it, just rise above it because I know deep down it's not reality but it's there and it hovers and right now it's beating me and I struggling to make it through one day at a time.

Hopefully the sun shines soon.

Dear Aiden

My precious, precious little boy, you fill my heart with pure joy. You light up my life like nobody else and the love I have for you is explainable.

In a little over a month you will be turning 3, I don't know how it all went so fast and every day you become more of a little person and a little less of my little baby. I remember your early arrival as if was yesterday, how you came 3 weeks ahead of time and forced mommy into labour before she was ready. I remember crying and telling granny I am not ready to be a mom, telling the nurses to wait a little longer while they rushed me to prep for surgery. I remember listening to your heart beat on the moniter and wishing I could just hear you inside me for another few weeks, worrying about the fact that I did't have a hospital bag packed, or that I didn't know how to change your nappy or even dress you.

But you didn't care, you wanted out and then you were here, my gorgeous little boy who made me whole, who filled my soul and mended all the holes I had in my life. You arrived and gave me a reason to make each day count as if it was the last.

The last 3 years have been such a journey, putting aside that you never sleep through the night, your defying little attitude and your temper tantrums that you perform perfectly, you are the sweetest little boy and your personality shines to bright. The way you say "Yes" in your little British accent and how you over pronounce your "are's", the way you want someone with you always and how you ask us all to come play with you. The way you love weetbix and only eat sausages and Mac n cheese, how you tell me your tea is not hot it is just warm and that it is made up of "water, milk, tea, sugar and strawberries"

How you love Toolucas (Toothless) from How to train a dragon and how he can't swim because he is not a fish, he is a dragon, how you will watch any dinosaur movie on repeat and always need the appropriate toy to every movie.

The way your boast and are so proud when you wee wee on the grass and how you love swimming and the joy on your face when you get to play in water.

Your love for your grandparents and Aunty Coco and Uncle Keithy.

Your timid smile when your first get to school and how your run and jump into my arms when I get a chance to fetch you from school.

You are a ray of sunshine and even though you are growing up way to fast and I wish I could keep you a little boy forever, I am your biggest fan and supporter, you make me proud and you complete me.

So to another glorious year of being your mom and being blessed to be the one getting to raise you, I love you my dear boy. You are the smile on my face and the last laugh of my day.

This Year so Far...in pictures

Sleep is finally winning

So this past weekend we moved Aiden's room around and showed him that there are in fact no goats in there and he seemed quite pleased, he even started going in there by himself to get his own toys and he has asked me a few times if we can go play in there. It's a great achievement even if sounds silly.

On Sunday night we tried the first time getting him to sleep in there, he was hesitant but I assured him I would lay with him until he fell asleep, it took an hour but he fell alseep and I got into my bed child free for the first time in 3 months. He woke up at 2am and snuck into our bed but it was an improvement.

Last night when bed time was announced he ran to our bed and climbed in and we were adamant that he must get into his bed because big boys sleep in their own beds. Brad layed with him for about 10 minutes and then he fell asleep on his own, instead of creeping into our beds at 2am we went and layed with him until he fell asleep again and he slept in his bed till morning. Break through!

He was so proud this morning and proclaimed he was a big boy because he slept in his own bed and followed by giving me his dummy and saying it was for babies.

I am so proud of my monkey and even though he still woke up during the night, sleep is already so much better without a child between us.

We still have a way to go but we winning right now at this sleep thing, this weekend we will paint his room bright colours and put some pictures on his wall so he feels even more safe and happy in there.

This proves that with a little love and attention, anything is possible and today I am winning as a mother and for the first time feel like I am getting something right.

Here's to sleep, my little boy becoming a big boy and to being a better mother.

I forgive you

I forgive you.

I forgive that you insisted I have an abortion.

I forgive you for every time you walked away.

I forgive you for not paying any money towards Aiden.

I forgive you for not being a part of his life.

I forgive you for choosing your other kids over Aiden.

I forgive you for all the cruel words you called me.

I forgive you for ruining every precious moment of my pregnancy.

I forgive your family for abandoning Aiden as well.

I forgive you for everything.

I am releasing myself from the pain and the hurt.

I am letting go of the hatred and anger.

What your biological son chooses to do is up to him and I hope for his sake he forgives you too because not forgiving builds up inside you and makes yourself bitter and angry, unforgiving you is like drinking poison and expecting you to die but instead I have been dying inside for 3 years.

You may not be sorry, you may not think you did anything wrong but that is for you to live with.

Not me.

Sleeping problems still winning

Fair enough Aiden has never been a good sleeper, EVER, and yes I should stop complaining about it because everyone is bored of hearing it but I don't really care, it's whats happening in my life and that's why I am here.

Things went from bad to worse when we moved into our new flat.

Look we didn't move into an amazingly big, spacious and glamorous flat. It is small and Aiden's room is the size of my bathroom at my parents house but it's a room and I have tried my hardest to recreate his old bedroom so he feels comfortable, so far it hasn't worked.

He is scared of a goat that apparently lives in there, I have no idea what he is talking about and not sure if he is talking about a goat or some how picked up on the theory of ghosts, it could be either but this weekend it is our mission to get him to love his room.

Against the rules of renting we are painting his room, yellow and blue, screw the rules and we going to get him to help. We are going to rearrange his room, basically flip the bed and moves his toys to the opposite side (all we can do in the space) and put in his own tv so he can watch his movies in bed.

We hoping that having him help us create a new space for him to be in he will fall in love with it and not want to sleep in our bed anymore and hopefully then we will all get some actual sleep.

Look it's just a theory and I haven't read it in a parenting book or been advised of this by some mother scientist, it's all I could come up with and I will try anything at this point.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture if you didn't know.

Learning to be a mother

I don't really know if any woman is born a natural mother, maybe there are those ladies out there that it just comes naturally too, that's what they always wanted, to be is a mom. All I can say it hasn't for me.

I am still learning to be a mother and a lot of the time I really suck at it.

I see a shrink if you didn't know, I have a a few (a lot) of issues and I see a psychiatrist and take meds and the whole lot, I am the poster child for mental illness. Yesterday I went to him for my usual catch up and meds adjustment and he asked why am I still so lost when I am so confident in so many areas, what holds me back from being the full me, what causes so much anxiety.

I said, I am not a good mother.

I think about it continuously, it consumes my mind, my thoughts and it causes extreme anxiety until I feel ill to my stomach.

I know where my faults lay, I am not very affectionate or compassionate, I am impatient and easily tempered and can often be irritable. I lack energy and struggle with fatigue so I lack the care to continually give Aiden the attention he craves.

To add to matters, Aiden at the moment is very attached and doesn't want to do anything alone, he won't even sleep in his own bed anymore. I have tried building structure and routine and then I threw it out the window because it was just to hard to continually fight him on it, if he wants to eat bovril toast in front of the tv for supper, so be it.

But it eats me up inside that I am getting it wrong, that I snap to quickly, I discipline to harshly, that I don't do enough with him, that I don't make proper suppers and eat around the dinner table. Everything I didn't want to be or all the things I wanted to raise my child having I seem to do the opposite.

My doctor said that because I can even admit that, I am there by a good mother, I told him I pay him to say things like that and he threw back actually you  pay me to be honest. Which he is.

He has given me tips for dealing with Aiden and what a kid his age needs and how to deal with his current co-dependancy and told me learning to be a mother is a constant thing and will never really end but when I watch other moms they seem to have gotten it right, right from the start.

Failing house wife

As you get older, life just gets harder and organisation seems to be necessary. I'm not very good at organisation, I am not very good at keeping it all together and keeping on top of things and since starting a 9-5 it really has all fallen apart and I fail at a house wife, not that I am a wife but I fail at keeping my house together.

After working 9 hours, sitting in traffic to work and back, fetching Aiden from my parent s house and getting home at 6pm the last thing I feel like doing is cooking, so we eat toast, or porridge, or if I am feeling a little energetic, golden smackeroos with oven chips.

My bed is never made in the morning even though I do tidy the lounge and the kitchen, dishes are washed once a week and then when the domestic comes.

I don't do laundry. I buy Aiden enough clothes to last him a week and I have enough clothes to last me a few months before everything is dirty so that to is left for the domestic who comes once a week.

If it wasn't for the bf Aiden probably would be bathed twice a week.

I know I need to plan better, I know I just need to suck it up and cook healthy meals that are not eaten in front of the tv. I know I have to try harder. I know I have to get up even earlier to get some exercise in my day and I know I need to eat better before I become a full blown diabetic because that's where my sugar levels are headed.

I just suck as a house wife.

I seriously don't know how woman do it, how do you have a full time career and a family and a good toned body and a happy partner. I am exhausted.

It was easier when I worked for myself, I ran my own times. Now it's all a jumbled mess and I am drowning in not enough time, to much responsibilities and a wrath of guilt.

Bullying defused

My worries of Aiden being bullied still stands, he still comes home and tells me he is being hurt by so and so kid and he is picking up their bad behavior of spitting and kicking shins which I am less than happy about but his school have taken it in their stride and tried to help come to a conclusion or should I say some kind of solution.

I do love Aiden's school and that is why he is still there, it is a good school and they can't be held completely liable for the fact that they have uncontrollable children, it does happen. The fact that Aiden has a teacher he happily goes to in the mornings and that he is taught well and does extra murals and does school concerts and plays outside and I do feel safe leaving my kid there, those things count.

Bullying or bad behaviour of other children will probably happen in every school and will continue through out Aidens life so I am teaching him at home that he must stand up for himself and I talk to him about why he mustn't be mean to others but mustn't tolerate people being mean to him.

It's a hard situation to be thrown in because I don't want to dismiss what Aiden is telling me as just "kid talk" because I am happy he feels safe enough to tell me but I also don't want to be a over paranoid parent.

All in all, betweens the meetings with the school and giving it time and seeing how Aiden carries on I will make a decisions accordingly but for now I still love Aiden's school and think it is the best in the area.

To Aidens Biological Family

Hi there.

Remember me.

I gave birth to your grandson and your nephew.

You were there when he was born.

You held him in your arms.

You made promises he will always be loved and have everything he needs.

Then you were gone.

You wiped your hands of your sons responsibilities of looking after him.

You wiped your hands of YOUR responsibilities to my son, to your grandson, to your nephew.

You broke your promises.

You walked away.

You walked away just because I told you I was struggling financially.

You walked out on an innocent, loving, kind and courageous little boy.

You gave up on knowing and watching your blood grow up.

You are no better than your sons total disregard of having a child in this world that he does not look after.

I pity you.

I hate the fact that by your actions you have hurt my precious boy.

You don't deserve the title, grandma, grandpa or auntie.

You don't deserve my child.

You don't deserve your blood.

You walked away from one of life's most amazing blessings.

And all I pray for is that one day, one day you regret your decision, one day you feel the same pain you bestowed upon my child and me, one day you feel the guilt of your actions.

I hope you preparing your speech for the day Aiden confronts you, I hope you honest and don't turn around and blame me like cowards, I hope one day you can some how make up to my son the life time you have given up.

P.S you make me sick.

Sleeping woes

It's 10:40am and I am struggling to keep my eyes open at my desk at work even after 5 espressos.

My child has never been a good sleep, he has never slept through the night, we on 2 years and 9 months of not sleeping, for the most part my body is used to it and I can handle it without loosing my cool (most of the time)

I think the one thing that has saved me is the fact that although Aiden wakes 2-3 times a night, he always happily went to bed at 7:30pm, no fuss, no crying and in his own bed and when he woke in the night he stayed in his bed. Meaning I could get to bed by 8:30pm and have at least 5 hours solid sleep before the rounds of waking start.

That has now shifted and I am not coping and I am not keeping my cool.

Since we moved to the new house he hates his room, he won't even go in there to fetch a toy he wants. He no longer wants to go to bed at 7:30pm he wants to watch a movie or get in bed with me and fall asleep. He screams, he goes out of his room and follows me around and it's killing me.

For the first 2 weeks we have been allowing him to fall asleep with me at 9pm and then we move him to his bed and then when he strolls in at 2am we have been putting him in bed with us. Now I know I don't want to start a bad habit so last night I decided to stand my ground and we fought for 2 hours we fought, going back and forth to his room, him screaming and crying, me eventually screaming and smacking at every count of 3, by 10:30pm he won, I couldn't do the broken hearted cries any more, I couldn't fight or get up to take him to his room one more time, what the neighbours think is any ones guess.

So he slept between us, moaning in my ear all night, kicking my back and taking up all the space and asking for juice every hour.

As a result pure exhaustion and lack of concentration.

And I still have to do it all over again tonight.

Any advice is welcome.

The one where my kid gets bullied

I knew I would have to face it at some point in Aiden's life, bullies are every where and never really leave your life even when you all grown up. Did I think it would hit me when he is only 2 and a half years old...no!

I have watched slowly the last couple months my sons behaviour and personality changing, at the beginning I thought it was just the next phase then I became worried. He has become withdrawn, quieter, more shy, more weepy, clingy, wanting his dummy all the time, not wanting to sleep in his own bed, not wanting to go to school or to be left alone to do anything by himself.

At first I thought it was because of my grannies passing and he felt our pain and then we moved so I thought he was unsettled but his behaviour has just become more and more intense.

A while ago he told me how S was a naughty boy and went to the corner for hitting the teacher, that was his story every day for a long time. Then every time he got an eina and I asked what happened he would say S hurt him, then the other day I asked him directly does S hurt you at school, and he just nodded his head.

I still tried to convince myself it must just be toddler age phases and all the kids doing it to each other, till I walked into his class this morning and watched S run and scare Aiden and wouldn't stop, even though Aiden was telling him to "stop it" and until Aiden started crying. At first I just stood there in shock because his teacher and assistant did nothing to diffuse the situation and then my fury was on the culprit. I pulled him and told him to stop doing that then gave the teachers a piece of my mind, I then proceeded to email the principal.

Her response:

We know about the situation and are busy trying to resolve it. And it is 2 children bullying your child not just S.

What, you know my child is being bullied and you didn't think of fucking contacting me, you joking right! I pay R2200 a month so my child can be terrorised into a different child and not have any one think to inform me.

That was my response.

My heart broke into a million pieces to know that I have been dropping my child off into an environment where he is being hurt, at an age where he doesn't fully understand, at an age where his personality is shaped and changed into what he will be in the future.

All I want to do is hang those children by their toes and whack some sense into the little buggers for messing with my child.

I don't really know how to deal with it, do I take him out of the school, do I sit and wait for the school to "deal" with it, do I call for a meeting with the culprits parents, do I teach my child to fight back and how do I get my sparky, vibrant, loving and brave boy back!

How do I get him to come out of that shell that I know to well from being bullied through out school, how do I take away that pain and insecurity that can possibly cripple him for years to come.

Why are people so mean.

Mommy guilt

I am a yeller.

I have a short temper.

I have no patience.

And as much as I know this and as much as every day when I wake up and tell myself I am going to stop and change, I always fail.

I read this article the other day and it brought me to tears because I don't want Aiden to fear me, I dont want him to fear making mistakes or to be to scared to come to me when he has done something wrong.

I yell over spilt milk, if he wiggles to much when I change his nappy, when he splashes and makes the whole bathroom wet. I yell at him for basically just being a kid.

And I hate myself for it.

I knew when I fell pregnant it would be something I struggled with, I have always been a perfectionist,  I have always liked things to be done right and in a certain way but I forget that this is a child learning, exploring and finding his feet in the world and I am hindering him from doing it.

I am not talking about discipline, he needs that, I know when he is naughty and I loose my cool it's understandable but I am talking about messing yogurt or taking his shoes off right after I have put them on.

The guilt consumes me and I feel like the worst mother alive. I see how my family look at me and they have told me before to calm down, my mother has even removed Aiden from my presence so that I cam calm down and Aiden can too.

I am creating the monster who yells back at me, I created the tantrums and the screaming when he is not being heard.

I am creating a yeller by being one.

Love from Bear

Life changes...remember to live it

If I close my eyes and think where I was last year this time and what my life consisted of, I can't believe the change, I can't remember where the time went, actually I can, it went to stressing, worrying, fighting, illness and negativity. I spent so much time focusing on all the things that were going wrong, yes things were bad all around but I forgot to live my life.

I forgot to love Aiden every day and revel in his stage of growth at the time. I forgot to lay in the sun and see the beauty in the summer. I forgot to visit friends that relationships have now weakened. I forgot to make time for myself for what I enjoy. I forgot to work at my relationship and nearly lost it because of it. I forgot to let my family know how much they mean to me.

I lost out.

I lost out on a whole year of my life because my focus was all in the wrong places.

I am in a much different frame of mind now ( yes meds made a huge difference ) but now I stop to smell the roses. Now that I am working 9-5 I appreciate those 2 days I get to spend with my family, partner and son every week. I wake up excited for the day ahead and what it brings, good or bad, I see the light and maybe I am not out of the tunnel yet but everything has a warm glow and I find myself finally living life again.

Don't forget, don't live in yesterday, don't worry about tomorrow, all we can do is right now and yes it might sound cliche' but don't wake up one day and feel like you lost out on a whole portion on your life because as much as you wish you could go back for those cuddles with your child and kiss your mom before you leave her house on Sundays and lay on that blanket and seep up the summer sun, you can't.

I am guilty of living in the past and guilty of stressing about the future, I consume my mind and soul with worry and I have missed out on so much instead of just simply, enjoying today.

Love from Bear

How I keep myself feeling like more than a mother

Since the day I fell pregnant I came second, time for myself was lost and for a while their all you would find me in is jeans and a t-shirt and a top bun. Once i got out of my hermit shell I found ways to keep myself looking fairly good and to do it in record time. I can now straighten my hair in less than 10 minutes, paint my nails while my kid is still awake and even turned the top bun into a stylish hairdo.

Here are my top products I use to save time and still keep myself feeling like more than just a mother.

Bennets Aqueous Bath drops - putting on cream or body butter is a treat and never an every day thing, this drops you put in the bath and moisturizes your skin while having a bath, killing two birds with one stone.

Johnsons Face Wipes - getting rid of the days make-up has never been easier and gives you a second boost of freshness to get through night duty.

Garnier BB Cream - I LOVE this stuff, best foundation ever made, it really does last all day, blends well, has an SPF 15 and moisturizer all in one.

Sock Bun Device - This little goodie makes the top bun look like a well planned hair-do instead of a lazy, I don't feel like brushing my hair day.

Maybeline Super Stay - Lipstick never lasts, smudges around your lips and goes on your teeth, this stuff lasts most of the day and dries so no smudging or teeth dying.

Wella Pro Series Moisturizing treatment - I have tried plenty hair treatments, this one is the best and it takes only 1 minute instead of the usual 20 minutes, who the hell gets to bath for 20 minutes! oh and it is only R36!

The Wet Brush - I have damaged my hair with countless times brushing my hair wet or not brushing it and having to pull knots out, this beauty glides through wet hair and any knots. My favourite little investment.

Woolworths Hand Cream - the only hand cream I will use, it's non greasy, smells great and leaves your hands feeling soft and revived.

Hair Candy - My beloved hair dresser Galan from Hair Candy, every now and then I treat myself to getting my hair done at the salon, he always does my hair exactly like I imagine it and he is so well priced!

Mr Price - I am a Mr Price junky, I have to stop myself from walking into their stores just so I don't bankrupt myself but when I feel like spoiling myself or need a little wardrobe pick me up, Mr Price is my go to shop, they fashion forward and affordable on a single moms wallet.

I was not paid or sponsored to write any of this, I genuinely love all these products and or services!