The cloud of darkness

I have my ups and downs, luckily for finally getting the right meds this year has been mainly ups for my mental well being, I haven't been hit to bad with any downs.

Until recently, it creeps up so slowly, one little push from some meaningless word or doing and the spiral into the cloud of darkness starts. It's hard to explain to the people around you especially when they don't know anything about it.

It really is a cloud, thats what it feels like in my head, clouded, dark, misty, heavy and all rationality and stableness flies out the window and I turn into a whole other person, maybe a multitude of people depending on what you say to me, from raving lunatic to vicious and defensive, to weepy and quiet, eventually I just withdraw from everyone and it's just easier if everyone stays away from me.

I can't deal with myself never mind anyone else, being a mother is hard during these times as patience isn't a quality that the clouds allow, being loving and affectionate to my BF is a task I can't take on and getting through a day is a mountain I have to crawl up with very little strength.

My mom and my sister know how to handle me best, I don't think they understand what is going on in my head but they have witnessed it enough times to know, don't ask any questions, don't probe, don't touch me and don't tell me to be rational. I realised this on Sunday when the BF called them and told them to either come fetch me or fetch Aiden because I wasn't being sane and they came and took Aiden without any questions or judgemental looks.

The BF is also pretty good with me, he doesn't fully grasp it yet, he is still learning that these phases are not who I really am and that it's something I go through and eventually I reach the light again, he's still learning that it isn't one day of darkness but it can be a week or a month but he does take it on the chin and never raises his voice at me and tries his hardest to handle me with sensitivity and care.

I do wish I could snap my fingers and be out of it, just rise above it because I know deep down it's not reality but it's there and it hovers and right now it's beating me and I struggling to make it through one day at a time.

Hopefully the sun shines soon.

Memories is what makes life rich

Sometime I just go MIA

It's been a while since my last post, sometimes I just don't know what to write about, sometimes life is just not exciting, sometimes I just don't have the time and right now I'm kinda going through a transition period, where my whole life is evolving into a new one and I don't quite know where I stand with everything. So I'll do a little catch up, hopefully with some intrigue to keep you reading.

I got a new job, yes I am still running my company on the side but I went and got myself a 9-5 job for the first time in my life. It's quite an adjustment. Not really working in an office or with so many people, that part I am loving and learning all the new things and the fact that it's in the fashion industry is a dream come true. The part I am struggling with is the times, working 9-5, that's the biggest knock, not having the freedom to go when I am done or when I am having a bad day and want the afternoon off. I can't any more and that's hard but I am adjusting.

Aiden is growing quicker than I can keep track of, for the first time I can say I am really loving this age. Yes he has tantrums and he is defiant and a little devil most days but his personality is so big and his imagination runs at such a pace and I am loving watching him turn into this unique little soul. Now to just get him to sleep at night, that would be great.

Relationships....oh relationships, they are so hard don't you think, people spend their whole lives wanting love but it probably is the hardest thing in life to get right. That's all I have to say about that other than love is good, it's always good in the end.

I am looking for a new little home...again...I really hate real estate agents and searching and searching and searching for a home but I need to, living with my parents although I appreciate it, it isn't good for me or Aiden.

See that's all I can really tell you. Life is just a bit mundane at the moment.

Love from Bear

A weekend away at Monateng

Last weekend Brad and I got a much needed weekend away at Monateng Safari Lodge, 3 whole nights and 2 days of not being a mommy, of only doing what I wanted to do, it was pure bliss. It included a lot of sleeping, lots of wine and lots of good food and lazing about.

Monateng is just outside Pretoria so not far out to drive for the weekend and the service is great, every one greets you with a smile and always eager to help. Chalets are lovely and someone comes to clean it every morning. Lots to do if you have older children, with a pool and trampolines, and jumping castles and put put and so on and so on, for little kids not to much, you will be doing a lot of running around.

We did a game drive (not my thing, but Brad really wanted to go) and on Sundays the restaurant has an amazing special, 3 course lunch for R100.

All in all it was a great weekend and much needed time just for the two of us, we don't get much of that with wee Aiden running around.

Relationships (not the movie kind)

Relationships are hard. Whether you are married, living together, not living together, whether it's been one month or 10 years. They take work and commitment, patience and communication.

Maybe they are a little harder when you throw in a kid, a kid that in the beginning isn't his and then kind of becomes quite his but still not quite his. Then there is that, which is a second relationship within an already hard relationship.

Then throw in some bi-polar and an anxiety disorder, a dying granny, 2 crazy extended families who work very differently, some money troubles, a hectic festive season and BANG, explosion.

It takes just one sentence to let loose a catastrophe, one word to crush a heart into a million pieces, one word to make you question all the love and all the time already been spent, it takes just those few words and your whole life can be completely different.

Those words make you cry and scream and eat chocolate but they also make you question every thing, them, you and whether it was all just in your head. Was the love just a game, was it just for now, was it really just another wrong choice because shit, I have done that a good few times.

But then you get this one feeling, and I have never felt it with any one else, that this is it, that it can't have gone so wrong so quickly, that no matter what words were said and what actions were made, the love is real enough for forgiveness and acceptance, that shit happens.

People do things, crazy, irrational things all the time. I know I have and still do (bi-polar here, hello) I'm the queen of hasty, queen of nasty and queen of thinking the worst at the most stupid and unrealistic points.

In relationships, real ones, not the movie kind of ones, they don't always go to smoothly and when you calculate the damage caused by past hurts and betrayals, some times you have to tread carefully, some times you have to take a step back and both breathe because if you don't, it can end all so quickly way before it's time.

Fight for who you are and never loose sight of that but fight for those you love because a world without people, people you love, is not a world at all.

Love from Bear