Dear Aiden

My precious, precious little boy, you fill my heart with pure joy. You light up my life like nobody else and the love I have for you is explainable.

In a little over a month you will be turning 3, I don't know how it all went so fast and every day you become more of a little person and a little less of my little baby. I remember your early arrival as if was yesterday, how you came 3 weeks ahead of time and forced mommy into labour before she was ready. I remember crying and telling granny I am not ready to be a mom, telling the nurses to wait a little longer while they rushed me to prep for surgery. I remember listening to your heart beat on the moniter and wishing I could just hear you inside me for another few weeks, worrying about the fact that I did't have a hospital bag packed, or that I didn't know how to change your nappy or even dress you.

But you didn't care, you wanted out and then you were here, my gorgeous little boy who made me whole, who filled my soul and mended all the holes I had in my life. You arrived and gave me a reason to make each day count as if it was the last.

The last 3 years have been such a journey, putting aside that you never sleep through the night, your defying little attitude and your temper tantrums that you perform perfectly, you are the sweetest little boy and your personality shines to bright. The way you say "Yes" in your little British accent and how you over pronounce your "are's", the way you want someone with you always and how you ask us all to come play with you. The way you love weetbix and only eat sausages and Mac n cheese, how you tell me your tea is not hot it is just warm and that it is made up of "water, milk, tea, sugar and strawberries"

How you love Toolucas (Toothless) from How to train a dragon and how he can't swim because he is not a fish, he is a dragon, how you will watch any dinosaur movie on repeat and always need the appropriate toy to every movie.

The way your boast and are so proud when you wee wee on the grass and how you love swimming and the joy on your face when you get to play in water.

Your love for your grandparents and Aunty Coco and Uncle Keithy.

Your timid smile when your first get to school and how your run and jump into my arms when I get a chance to fetch you from school.

You are a ray of sunshine and even though you are growing up way to fast and I wish I could keep you a little boy forever, I am your biggest fan and supporter, you make me proud and you complete me.

So to another glorious year of being your mom and being blessed to be the one getting to raise you, I love you my dear boy. You are the smile on my face and the last laugh of my day.

I forgive you

I forgive you.

I forgive that you insisted I have an abortion.

I forgive you for every time you walked away.

I forgive you for not paying any money towards Aiden.

I forgive you for not being a part of his life.

I forgive you for choosing your other kids over Aiden.

I forgive you for all the cruel words you called me.

I forgive you for ruining every precious moment of my pregnancy.

I forgive your family for abandoning Aiden as well.

I forgive you for everything.

I am releasing myself from the pain and the hurt.

I am letting go of the hatred and anger.

What your biological son chooses to do is up to him and I hope for his sake he forgives you too because not forgiving builds up inside you and makes yourself bitter and angry, unforgiving you is like drinking poison and expecting you to die but instead I have been dying inside for 3 years.

You may not be sorry, you may not think you did anything wrong but that is for you to live with.

Not me.

Sleeping problems still winning

Fair enough Aiden has never been a good sleeper, EVER, and yes I should stop complaining about it because everyone is bored of hearing it but I don't really care, it's whats happening in my life and that's why I am here.

Things went from bad to worse when we moved into our new flat.

Look we didn't move into an amazingly big, spacious and glamorous flat. It is small and Aiden's room is the size of my bathroom at my parents house but it's a room and I have tried my hardest to recreate his old bedroom so he feels comfortable, so far it hasn't worked.

He is scared of a goat that apparently lives in there, I have no idea what he is talking about and not sure if he is talking about a goat or some how picked up on the theory of ghosts, it could be either but this weekend it is our mission to get him to love his room.

Against the rules of renting we are painting his room, yellow and blue, screw the rules and we going to get him to help. We are going to rearrange his room, basically flip the bed and moves his toys to the opposite side (all we can do in the space) and put in his own tv so he can watch his movies in bed.

We hoping that having him help us create a new space for him to be in he will fall in love with it and not want to sleep in our bed anymore and hopefully then we will all get some actual sleep.

Look it's just a theory and I haven't read it in a parenting book or been advised of this by some mother scientist, it's all I could come up with and I will try anything at this point.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture if you didn't know.

Learning to be a mother

I don't really know if any woman is born a natural mother, maybe there are those ladies out there that it just comes naturally too, that's what they always wanted, to be is a mom. All I can say it hasn't for me.

I am still learning to be a mother and a lot of the time I really suck at it.

I see a shrink if you didn't know, I have a a few (a lot) of issues and I see a psychiatrist and take meds and the whole lot, I am the poster child for mental illness. Yesterday I went to him for my usual catch up and meds adjustment and he asked why am I still so lost when I am so confident in so many areas, what holds me back from being the full me, what causes so much anxiety.

I said, I am not a good mother.

I think about it continuously, it consumes my mind, my thoughts and it causes extreme anxiety until I feel ill to my stomach.

I know where my faults lay, I am not very affectionate or compassionate, I am impatient and easily tempered and can often be irritable. I lack energy and struggle with fatigue so I lack the care to continually give Aiden the attention he craves.

To add to matters, Aiden at the moment is very attached and doesn't want to do anything alone, he won't even sleep in his own bed anymore. I have tried building structure and routine and then I threw it out the window because it was just to hard to continually fight him on it, if he wants to eat bovril toast in front of the tv for supper, so be it.

But it eats me up inside that I am getting it wrong, that I snap to quickly, I discipline to harshly, that I don't do enough with him, that I don't make proper suppers and eat around the dinner table. Everything I didn't want to be or all the things I wanted to raise my child having I seem to do the opposite.

My doctor said that because I can even admit that, I am there by a good mother, I told him I pay him to say things like that and he threw back actually you  pay me to be honest. Which he is.

He has given me tips for dealing with Aiden and what a kid his age needs and how to deal with his current co-dependancy and told me learning to be a mother is a constant thing and will never really end but when I watch other moms they seem to have gotten it right, right from the start.

Failing house wife

As you get older, life just gets harder and organisation seems to be necessary. I'm not very good at organisation, I am not very good at keeping it all together and keeping on top of things and since starting a 9-5 it really has all fallen apart and I fail at a house wife, not that I am a wife but I fail at keeping my house together.

After working 9 hours, sitting in traffic to work and back, fetching Aiden from my parent s house and getting home at 6pm the last thing I feel like doing is cooking, so we eat toast, or porridge, or if I am feeling a little energetic, golden smackeroos with oven chips.

My bed is never made in the morning even though I do tidy the lounge and the kitchen, dishes are washed once a week and then when the domestic comes.

I don't do laundry. I buy Aiden enough clothes to last him a week and I have enough clothes to last me a few months before everything is dirty so that to is left for the domestic who comes once a week.

If it wasn't for the bf Aiden probably would be bathed twice a week.

I know I need to plan better, I know I just need to suck it up and cook healthy meals that are not eaten in front of the tv. I know I have to try harder. I know I have to get up even earlier to get some exercise in my day and I know I need to eat better before I become a full blown diabetic because that's where my sugar levels are headed.

I just suck as a house wife.

I seriously don't know how woman do it, how do you have a full time career and a family and a good toned body and a happy partner. I am exhausted.

It was easier when I worked for myself, I ran my own times. Now it's all a jumbled mess and I am drowning in not enough time, to much responsibilities and a wrath of guilt.

Bullying defused

My worries of Aiden being bullied still stands, he still comes home and tells me he is being hurt by so and so kid and he is picking up their bad behavior of spitting and kicking shins which I am less than happy about but his school have taken it in their stride and tried to help come to a conclusion or should I say some kind of solution.

I do love Aiden's school and that is why he is still there, it is a good school and they can't be held completely liable for the fact that they have uncontrollable children, it does happen. The fact that Aiden has a teacher he happily goes to in the mornings and that he is taught well and does extra murals and does school concerts and plays outside and I do feel safe leaving my kid there, those things count.

Bullying or bad behaviour of other children will probably happen in every school and will continue through out Aidens life so I am teaching him at home that he must stand up for himself and I talk to him about why he mustn't be mean to others but mustn't tolerate people being mean to him.

It's a hard situation to be thrown in because I don't want to dismiss what Aiden is telling me as just "kid talk" because I am happy he feels safe enough to tell me but I also don't want to be a over paranoid parent.

All in all, betweens the meetings with the school and giving it time and seeing how Aiden carries on I will make a decisions accordingly but for now I still love Aiden's school and think it is the best in the area.

To Aidens Biological Family

Hi there.

Remember me.

I gave birth to your grandson and your nephew.

You were there when he was born.

You held him in your arms.

You made promises he will always be loved and have everything he needs.

Then you were gone.

You wiped your hands of your sons responsibilities of looking after him.

You wiped your hands of YOUR responsibilities to my son, to your grandson, to your nephew.

You broke your promises.

You walked away.

You walked away just because I told you I was struggling financially.

You walked out on an innocent, loving, kind and courageous little boy.

You gave up on knowing and watching your blood grow up.

You are no better than your sons total disregard of having a child in this world that he does not look after.

I pity you.

I hate the fact that by your actions you have hurt my precious boy.

You don't deserve the title, grandma, grandpa or auntie.

You don't deserve my child.

You don't deserve your blood.

You walked away from one of life's most amazing blessings.

And all I pray for is that one day, one day you regret your decision, one day you feel the same pain you bestowed upon my child and me, one day you feel the guilt of your actions.

I hope you preparing your speech for the day Aiden confronts you, I hope you honest and don't turn around and blame me like cowards, I hope one day you can some how make up to my son the life time you have given up.

P.S you make me sick.

What it means to me

It is Mothers Day on Sunday and every year since I fell pregnant I kind of hide away from the day, it makes me sad, it brings up guilt, the past shows it's shiny face and I spend a lot of time crying.

You would think I would leave that for Fathers Day but then I just spoil Aiden rotten.

Mothers Day makes me sad because it reminds me of the situation Aiden has been born into, one I never dreamed of as a little girl having for her life. It reminds me how I failed, myself and my son, how I didn't get it right.

It brings so much guilt I feel nauseous, because as a mother I am supposed to protect and I never got the chance or the choice to do so.

The past comes knocking and all the emotions I felt back when I first fell pregnant and the first year, it all comes back and floods me and overwhelms me and I sit and wonder what I could have done differently. What could I have done to save the situation, fix it all for my son's sake.

And to top it off it makes me feel alone, that single mom feeling never quite leaves. Mothers Day is a reminder of that, that this is my 3rd one, 3 years I have survived doing this on my own.

I wish every mother, no matter what her situation a Happy Mothers Day, that she will stand tall and feel proud of what she has accomplished. Feel loved and needed and appreciated and that someone, anyone takes out the time to make her feel that way and if no one is there to do so, go buy yourself those flowers or bubble bath because you deserve it!

Swinging from the rafters

When people spoke of the terrible two's being oh so terrible I always thought they were being a tad dramatic. I have a problem with listening to people warn me of what's ahead like when they told.me some children never sleep through the night, yeah my kid turned out to be one of those too.

Back to topic.

Terrible two's.

Oh my hat, it should be called the fucking, awful,  you going to want to hide away, run away, exchange your child, terrible two's.

Never have I seen my child in this new light he has bestowed upon us. He will literally stand in front of you and scream until his face is bright red and he has no scream left in him.

He throws things at you, food across the table and hits you with anything he can find.

He has melt to the floor, won't move, smack the ground tantrums.

He doesn't want anything but orange juice.

He refuses to bath and defying him will only create a massive amount of fury in a tiny body.

He has more energy than any living thing I have ever seen.

I am hoping he grows out of it soon because it's going to kill me.

Love from Bear

Easter weekend adventures

I remember the days when Easter weekend was all about the party and drinking and hangovers and sleeping all day just to recoop to go to the next party. Now I can hardly drink a few Savanana's and when I think about the amount of alcohol I used to consume I'm shocked I am still alive!

Now My Easter weekends are filled with family, and outings to Rietvlei Farm, picnicing in our backyard, braais and cuddles while watching Disney movies...and I love it.

It was a chilled relaxed weekend and Aiden had some great days, he had his first pony ride, went to a petty zoo, jumping castles, face painting, seeing a plane show and watching soccer live to his very first proper Easter egg hunt. When that boy is happy, I am happy!

Love from Bear

A weekend away at Monateng

Last weekend Brad and I got a much needed weekend away at Monateng Safari Lodge, 3 whole nights and 2 days of not being a mommy, of only doing what I wanted to do, it was pure bliss. It included a lot of sleeping, lots of wine and lots of good food and lazing about.

Monateng is just outside Pretoria so not far out to drive for the weekend and the service is great, every one greets you with a smile and always eager to help. Chalets are lovely and someone comes to clean it every morning. Lots to do if you have older children, with a pool and trampolines, and jumping castles and put put and so on and so on, for little kids not to much, you will be doing a lot of running around.

We did a game drive (not my thing, but Brad really wanted to go) and on Sundays the restaurant has an amazing special, 3 course lunch for R100.

All in all it was a great weekend and much needed time just for the two of us, we don't get much of that with wee Aiden running around.