Aiden turns 3!

It was Aiden's birthday over the weekend and finally he is at an age where he kind of understands and got really excited about it. This year I was on a strict budget and had to give up a lot of things I normally do for his parties but I am really proud of what I accomplished, even the cake which yes this year I half made, I bought a boring cheap cake and decorated it into a dinosaur land and for the first time the whole cake was eaten so so much for those expensive pretty cakes. My sister made the cupcakes and I designed and printed all the decorations and we even made the snakes this year and to my surprise everything was eaten.

We were rained out sadly but we got a good 2 hours in of sun and Aiden had an absolute ball. Another year down and loving my little man.

 

The cloud of darkness

I have my ups and downs, luckily for finally getting the right meds this year has been mainly ups for my mental well being, I haven't been hit to bad with any downs.

Until recently, it creeps up so slowly, one little push from some meaningless word or doing and the spiral into the cloud of darkness starts. It's hard to explain to the people around you especially when they don't know anything about it.

It really is a cloud, thats what it feels like in my head, clouded, dark, misty, heavy and all rationality and stableness flies out the window and I turn into a whole other person, maybe a multitude of people depending on what you say to me, from raving lunatic to vicious and defensive, to weepy and quiet, eventually I just withdraw from everyone and it's just easier if everyone stays away from me.

I can't deal with myself never mind anyone else, being a mother is hard during these times as patience isn't a quality that the clouds allow, being loving and affectionate to my BF is a task I can't take on and getting through a day is a mountain I have to crawl up with very little strength.

My mom and my sister know how to handle me best, I don't think they understand what is going on in my head but they have witnessed it enough times to know, don't ask any questions, don't probe, don't touch me and don't tell me to be rational. I realised this on Sunday when the BF called them and told them to either come fetch me or fetch Aiden because I wasn't being sane and they came and took Aiden without any questions or judgemental looks.

The BF is also pretty good with me, he doesn't fully grasp it yet, he is still learning that these phases are not who I really am and that it's something I go through and eventually I reach the light again, he's still learning that it isn't one day of darkness but it can be a week or a month but he does take it on the chin and never raises his voice at me and tries his hardest to handle me with sensitivity and care.

I do wish I could snap my fingers and be out of it, just rise above it because I know deep down it's not reality but it's there and it hovers and right now it's beating me and I struggling to make it through one day at a time.

Hopefully the sun shines soon.

Switched off!

It's a whole nother post but Vodacom blocked my phone last week and when I mean another post I mean a good lengthy rant about how crappy they are but moving on for now. I was switched off, it was like having my arm cut off at first, I even cried people, literally cried and feared how I was going to make it through without my phone.

My phone is attached to my right hand, I am always on it, always updating social media, blogging off it, instagram, Facebook, Twitter, stupid games that give me nothing to my life. When I got home I would literally go to my room, ignore my family and mess around on my phone till bedtime. I claimed it was my relaxing time, my me time, my down time in reality I see know it was me escaping, hiding and ignoring my family, my kid, my partner.

So this past weekend I have no pictures for you, I had know step by step updates, no instagrams and no check ins but you know what I did have, I had an amazing weekend with my little boy.

On Friday night I didn't just put on a movie for him and do my own thing, I actually cuddled with him on the couch and watched the movies with him.

On Saturday we played cars, and super hero's and gun wars and played with the ball in the garden. We went shopping and got him some bubbles and an air gun and played in my parents yard for hours. I watched his smile instead of photographing it, I heard his laugh instead of Facebooking the moment.

On Sunday I took Aiden to the park and then got over my fat put on a costume and swam with him all day long and we had the best time, he was so happy and I was so happy.

I woke up this morning feeling different, energized, like I really had a good weekend, I felt rested and looking forward to the week ahead which is so different to my usual Monday morning blues.

I was forced to switch off and this morning when they switched me back on, I deleted all my silly games, looked at all the little red notifiers and ignored them till I got to work.

I won't give up Social media but I will limit myself and spend more time focusing on my family and the people around me. I will pull out my camera and take good quality pics of my boy, I won't check whats happening in other peoples life's instead I will live mine.

Dear Aiden

My precious, precious little boy, you fill my heart with pure joy. You light up my life like nobody else and the love I have for you is explainable.

In a little over a month you will be turning 3, I don't know how it all went so fast and every day you become more of a little person and a little less of my little baby. I remember your early arrival as if was yesterday, how you came 3 weeks ahead of time and forced mommy into labour before she was ready. I remember crying and telling granny I am not ready to be a mom, telling the nurses to wait a little longer while they rushed me to prep for surgery. I remember listening to your heart beat on the moniter and wishing I could just hear you inside me for another few weeks, worrying about the fact that I did't have a hospital bag packed, or that I didn't know how to change your nappy or even dress you.

But you didn't care, you wanted out and then you were here, my gorgeous little boy who made me whole, who filled my soul and mended all the holes I had in my life. You arrived and gave me a reason to make each day count as if it was the last.

The last 3 years have been such a journey, putting aside that you never sleep through the night, your defying little attitude and your temper tantrums that you perform perfectly, you are the sweetest little boy and your personality shines to bright. The way you say "Yes" in your little British accent and how you over pronounce your "are's", the way you want someone with you always and how you ask us all to come play with you. The way you love weetbix and only eat sausages and Mac n cheese, how you tell me your tea is not hot it is just warm and that it is made up of "water, milk, tea, sugar and strawberries"

How you love Toolucas (Toothless) from How to train a dragon and how he can't swim because he is not a fish, he is a dragon, how you will watch any dinosaur movie on repeat and always need the appropriate toy to every movie.

The way your boast and are so proud when you wee wee on the grass and how you love swimming and the joy on your face when you get to play in water.

Your love for your grandparents and Aunty Coco and Uncle Keithy.

Your timid smile when your first get to school and how your run and jump into my arms when I get a chance to fetch you from school.

You are a ray of sunshine and even though you are growing up way to fast and I wish I could keep you a little boy forever, I am your biggest fan and supporter, you make me proud and you complete me.

So to another glorious year of being your mom and being blessed to be the one getting to raise you, I love you my dear boy. You are the smile on my face and the last laugh of my day.

This Year so Far...in pictures