Aiden is growing up so quickly, every day he is becoming more and more aware of his surroundings, he's a little boy, no longer my little baby, and every day I wonder when will it be the right time? What age will he know things aren't as perfect as they seem, that things are a little more complicated, that he has another life and another family that just are not in his. That he has a biological father that has chosen to not be there. Every day I wonder when do you tell this sweet little angel face about all the pain.
For now I know I can pretend a little longer, I can keep it from him for a while, he is to young to comprehend that the man he calls dad isn't his blood but by all means and accounts is his dad.
I know when the time comes I can't tell him the truth, that his bio dad is a complete asshole, who I hope rots in hell, I will have to be delicate and kind and maybe even throw in a few white lies for my little boys sake, for the sake of his heart and well being.
I know some mothers who are open about it from day 1, they have photo's and tell them all about them.
I know mom's like me who also avoid it like the black plague and instead keep it in themselves and let it boil the pain in the hearts every day to keep their child happy and painless for one day longer.
But that one day I know will be here sooner than I think, it will be like I blinked and their Aiden will be standing in front of me for answers, and I will have to decide which answers to give, where to hold my tongue and some how do it with out shattering his whole world I have so carefully tried to build for him.
People always judge me, and tell me how do I just pretend my reality isn't there, what they don't realise is that it is always their sitting at the back of my head, it's a constant lump in my throat and it's the knife in my heart that will never heal because as any mother does, we feel the pain that will hurt our child probably worse than they will.
It never goes away.
And it's a constant tug of war wondering if you have made the right choices so far and if the choices you have to make are also the right ones.
I'm terrified of when it will be the right time, I'm scared he will blame me or be angry at me, I am scared of the pain I know it will cause him, I am scared of him loosing his soft, caring and happy personality by letting the dark invade him like a ghost that the past always is.
He's only 2 now but before I know it he will be a man, and I know this will be part of a hole in his heart that nothing I do or say will take away.
Love from Bear
i know EXACTLY how you feel. down to the fucking T.
ReplyDeletedoes the "biodad" pay maintenance?
my psych has insisted i sue for maintenance because him being 100% absent is going to have a negative impact on his psyche in the future. he's going to either blame me and say i chased him away and that it was my fault (the superhero complex) or he'll feel like he's not worth being around and that's why his dad doesn't think he's good enough to be around and why it was so easy to be abandoned.
it's hard. i have NO idea what to do.
when he makes comments like "my father is dead" or "i don't have a dad hey?" i never really know how to respond and i change the subject then i overcompensate and smother him with love.
i hate it and i hate that i don't know how he's going to react to it in the future and yes i also ignore it and postpone it as long as i possibly can. because even though i feel indifferent to the asshole i am still furious at him for not even making a tiny effort to know his son.
Eish. A tough one. I believe that in your position I would tell the truth. Not the bits about how bio dad is a dick and should've been sterilised at birth but the bit about how he (Aiden) was a gift that the two of you were not expecting because you were still trying to work out whether you could stay together always and be happy and not hurt each other. And he (the bio dad) decided that he wasn't ready to be there for anyone because he still needed to figure some things out for himself. And so you went your separate ways so that he (Aiden) wouldn't have to see anyone fighting and being unhappy with each other.... Or a similarly simplistic version of whatever your story is? The cool thing about telling him the truth from day one is that as he gets older and learns more about the circumstances at the time, none of it will come as a surprise to him. And so he won't feel that his trust in you has been betrayed. As he gets older he will have more questions and you can share as much as he is able to understand each time, without laying any blame or having any of it make him feel bad. That way, he learns some important things about the dynamics of relationships and families as he grows and gets to see how different people's lives and relationships are different without that necessarily being a Bad Thing, if you know what I mean? Good luck!
ReplyDeleteSpeaking from experience, it is never easy what you have to do! But as long as you love and support your son everything will be ok and fine ;) Lots of love xxx
ReplyDeleteDifferent situations, but, telling my girls about their adoptions kind of falls into the same category, not wanting to hurt them or make them feel unwanted or unloved and wanting to protect them.
ReplyDeleteOur Social Workers have advised us to be age appropriately honest.
Good luck, I cannot imagine its easy for you.
I just spoke to Jessie on the phone about this, but as the child of a single mother with a father who wasn't involved, there's no trauma and no big reveal if it's told in an uncomplicated way from early on. "One man started you growing in mummy's tummy with a special seed, then when you were born, Bradley came along to be your daddy." If that's the story he gets from an early age, it won't worry him. I don't feel sorry for Aiden. I don't feel sorry for adopted kids. I don't feel sorry for kids born to two lesbians by artificial insemination. Those kids don't feel sorry for themselves if they have a wonderful and loving family unit. That's just their reality. Children have no pre-conceived notion of what a family is made of. They only know their own. Sure, there will be more questions and rationalisations as they grow up, but if they're dealt with with simplistic honesty and in an "It's no big deal," kind of way, kids will roll with most things.
ReplyDelete