The cloud of darkness

I have my ups and downs, luckily for finally getting the right meds this year has been mainly ups for my mental well being, I haven't been hit to bad with any downs.

Until recently, it creeps up so slowly, one little push from some meaningless word or doing and the spiral into the cloud of darkness starts. It's hard to explain to the people around you especially when they don't know anything about it.

It really is a cloud, thats what it feels like in my head, clouded, dark, misty, heavy and all rationality and stableness flies out the window and I turn into a whole other person, maybe a multitude of people depending on what you say to me, from raving lunatic to vicious and defensive, to weepy and quiet, eventually I just withdraw from everyone and it's just easier if everyone stays away from me.

I can't deal with myself never mind anyone else, being a mother is hard during these times as patience isn't a quality that the clouds allow, being loving and affectionate to my BF is a task I can't take on and getting through a day is a mountain I have to crawl up with very little strength.

My mom and my sister know how to handle me best, I don't think they understand what is going on in my head but they have witnessed it enough times to know, don't ask any questions, don't probe, don't touch me and don't tell me to be rational. I realised this on Sunday when the BF called them and told them to either come fetch me or fetch Aiden because I wasn't being sane and they came and took Aiden without any questions or judgemental looks.

The BF is also pretty good with me, he doesn't fully grasp it yet, he is still learning that these phases are not who I really am and that it's something I go through and eventually I reach the light again, he's still learning that it isn't one day of darkness but it can be a week or a month but he does take it on the chin and never raises his voice at me and tries his hardest to handle me with sensitivity and care.

I do wish I could snap my fingers and be out of it, just rise above it because I know deep down it's not reality but it's there and it hovers and right now it's beating me and I struggling to make it through one day at a time.

Hopefully the sun shines soon.

Switched off!

It's a whole nother post but Vodacom blocked my phone last week and when I mean another post I mean a good lengthy rant about how crappy they are but moving on for now. I was switched off, it was like having my arm cut off at first, I even cried people, literally cried and feared how I was going to make it through without my phone.

My phone is attached to my right hand, I am always on it, always updating social media, blogging off it, instagram, Facebook, Twitter, stupid games that give me nothing to my life. When I got home I would literally go to my room, ignore my family and mess around on my phone till bedtime. I claimed it was my relaxing time, my me time, my down time in reality I see know it was me escaping, hiding and ignoring my family, my kid, my partner.

So this past weekend I have no pictures for you, I had know step by step updates, no instagrams and no check ins but you know what I did have, I had an amazing weekend with my little boy.

On Friday night I didn't just put on a movie for him and do my own thing, I actually cuddled with him on the couch and watched the movies with him.

On Saturday we played cars, and super hero's and gun wars and played with the ball in the garden. We went shopping and got him some bubbles and an air gun and played in my parents yard for hours. I watched his smile instead of photographing it, I heard his laugh instead of Facebooking the moment.

On Sunday I took Aiden to the park and then got over my fat put on a costume and swam with him all day long and we had the best time, he was so happy and I was so happy.

I woke up this morning feeling different, energized, like I really had a good weekend, I felt rested and looking forward to the week ahead which is so different to my usual Monday morning blues.

I was forced to switch off and this morning when they switched me back on, I deleted all my silly games, looked at all the little red notifiers and ignored them till I got to work.

I won't give up Social media but I will limit myself and spend more time focusing on my family and the people around me. I will pull out my camera and take good quality pics of my boy, I won't check whats happening in other peoples life's instead I will live mine.

Dear Aiden

My precious, precious little boy, you fill my heart with pure joy. You light up my life like nobody else and the love I have for you is explainable.

In a little over a month you will be turning 3, I don't know how it all went so fast and every day you become more of a little person and a little less of my little baby. I remember your early arrival as if was yesterday, how you came 3 weeks ahead of time and forced mommy into labour before she was ready. I remember crying and telling granny I am not ready to be a mom, telling the nurses to wait a little longer while they rushed me to prep for surgery. I remember listening to your heart beat on the moniter and wishing I could just hear you inside me for another few weeks, worrying about the fact that I did't have a hospital bag packed, or that I didn't know how to change your nappy or even dress you.

But you didn't care, you wanted out and then you were here, my gorgeous little boy who made me whole, who filled my soul and mended all the holes I had in my life. You arrived and gave me a reason to make each day count as if it was the last.

The last 3 years have been such a journey, putting aside that you never sleep through the night, your defying little attitude and your temper tantrums that you perform perfectly, you are the sweetest little boy and your personality shines to bright. The way you say "Yes" in your little British accent and how you over pronounce your "are's", the way you want someone with you always and how you ask us all to come play with you. The way you love weetbix and only eat sausages and Mac n cheese, how you tell me your tea is not hot it is just warm and that it is made up of "water, milk, tea, sugar and strawberries"

How you love Toolucas (Toothless) from How to train a dragon and how he can't swim because he is not a fish, he is a dragon, how you will watch any dinosaur movie on repeat and always need the appropriate toy to every movie.

The way your boast and are so proud when you wee wee on the grass and how you love swimming and the joy on your face when you get to play in water.

Your love for your grandparents and Aunty Coco and Uncle Keithy.

Your timid smile when your first get to school and how your run and jump into my arms when I get a chance to fetch you from school.

You are a ray of sunshine and even though you are growing up way to fast and I wish I could keep you a little boy forever, I am your biggest fan and supporter, you make me proud and you complete me.

So to another glorious year of being your mom and being blessed to be the one getting to raise you, I love you my dear boy. You are the smile on my face and the last laugh of my day.

This Year so Far...in pictures

Sleep is finally winning

So this past weekend we moved Aiden's room around and showed him that there are in fact no goats in there and he seemed quite pleased, he even started going in there by himself to get his own toys and he has asked me a few times if we can go play in there. It's a great achievement even if sounds silly.

On Sunday night we tried the first time getting him to sleep in there, he was hesitant but I assured him I would lay with him until he fell asleep, it took an hour but he fell alseep and I got into my bed child free for the first time in 3 months. He woke up at 2am and snuck into our bed but it was an improvement.

Last night when bed time was announced he ran to our bed and climbed in and we were adamant that he must get into his bed because big boys sleep in their own beds. Brad layed with him for about 10 minutes and then he fell asleep on his own, instead of creeping into our beds at 2am we went and layed with him until he fell asleep again and he slept in his bed till morning. Break through!

He was so proud this morning and proclaimed he was a big boy because he slept in his own bed and followed by giving me his dummy and saying it was for babies.

I am so proud of my monkey and even though he still woke up during the night, sleep is already so much better without a child between us.

We still have a way to go but we winning right now at this sleep thing, this weekend we will paint his room bright colours and put some pictures on his wall so he feels even more safe and happy in there.

This proves that with a little love and attention, anything is possible and today I am winning as a mother and for the first time feel like I am getting something right.

Here's to sleep, my little boy becoming a big boy and to being a better mother.

I forgive you

I forgive you.

I forgive that you insisted I have an abortion.

I forgive you for every time you walked away.

I forgive you for not paying any money towards Aiden.

I forgive you for not being a part of his life.

I forgive you for choosing your other kids over Aiden.

I forgive you for all the cruel words you called me.

I forgive you for ruining every precious moment of my pregnancy.

I forgive your family for abandoning Aiden as well.

I forgive you for everything.

I am releasing myself from the pain and the hurt.

I am letting go of the hatred and anger.

What your biological son chooses to do is up to him and I hope for his sake he forgives you too because not forgiving builds up inside you and makes yourself bitter and angry, unforgiving you is like drinking poison and expecting you to die but instead I have been dying inside for 3 years.

You may not be sorry, you may not think you did anything wrong but that is for you to live with.

Not me.

Sleeping problems still winning

Fair enough Aiden has never been a good sleeper, EVER, and yes I should stop complaining about it because everyone is bored of hearing it but I don't really care, it's whats happening in my life and that's why I am here.

Things went from bad to worse when we moved into our new flat.

Look we didn't move into an amazingly big, spacious and glamorous flat. It is small and Aiden's room is the size of my bathroom at my parents house but it's a room and I have tried my hardest to recreate his old bedroom so he feels comfortable, so far it hasn't worked.

He is scared of a goat that apparently lives in there, I have no idea what he is talking about and not sure if he is talking about a goat or some how picked up on the theory of ghosts, it could be either but this weekend it is our mission to get him to love his room.

Against the rules of renting we are painting his room, yellow and blue, screw the rules and we going to get him to help. We are going to rearrange his room, basically flip the bed and moves his toys to the opposite side (all we can do in the space) and put in his own tv so he can watch his movies in bed.

We hoping that having him help us create a new space for him to be in he will fall in love with it and not want to sleep in our bed anymore and hopefully then we will all get some actual sleep.

Look it's just a theory and I haven't read it in a parenting book or been advised of this by some mother scientist, it's all I could come up with and I will try anything at this point.

Sleep deprivation is a form of torture if you didn't know.

Learning to be a mother

I don't really know if any woman is born a natural mother, maybe there are those ladies out there that it just comes naturally too, that's what they always wanted, to be is a mom. All I can say it hasn't for me.

I am still learning to be a mother and a lot of the time I really suck at it.

I see a shrink if you didn't know, I have a a few (a lot) of issues and I see a psychiatrist and take meds and the whole lot, I am the poster child for mental illness. Yesterday I went to him for my usual catch up and meds adjustment and he asked why am I still so lost when I am so confident in so many areas, what holds me back from being the full me, what causes so much anxiety.

I said, I am not a good mother.

I think about it continuously, it consumes my mind, my thoughts and it causes extreme anxiety until I feel ill to my stomach.

I know where my faults lay, I am not very affectionate or compassionate, I am impatient and easily tempered and can often be irritable. I lack energy and struggle with fatigue so I lack the care to continually give Aiden the attention he craves.

To add to matters, Aiden at the moment is very attached and doesn't want to do anything alone, he won't even sleep in his own bed anymore. I have tried building structure and routine and then I threw it out the window because it was just to hard to continually fight him on it, if he wants to eat bovril toast in front of the tv for supper, so be it.

But it eats me up inside that I am getting it wrong, that I snap to quickly, I discipline to harshly, that I don't do enough with him, that I don't make proper suppers and eat around the dinner table. Everything I didn't want to be or all the things I wanted to raise my child having I seem to do the opposite.

My doctor said that because I can even admit that, I am there by a good mother, I told him I pay him to say things like that and he threw back actually you  pay me to be honest. Which he is.

He has given me tips for dealing with Aiden and what a kid his age needs and how to deal with his current co-dependancy and told me learning to be a mother is a constant thing and will never really end but when I watch other moms they seem to have gotten it right, right from the start.

I have a little garden

I grew up watching my dad build all our gardens with his own hands, he loved it, I always wished I could do it. I have had a few pot plants and they all died and I am not particularly good with pets either but I just moved into a little place and I have a little garden. And I want it to be pretty, I want it to have flowers and I want the rose bushes to bloom and I want a little succulent area and I want to grow my own herbs. This is the plan anyway.

So we started by pruning the rose bushes. I have had 2 roses already bloom!

Then we bought some seeds, not realising it takes months to have any flowers but we have little sprouts coming out the ground so they growing.

We (got the bf) to go steal succulents from around the area for my little area were I just want succulents, we waiting for them to root so we can plant them.

And then I got impatient and went to the nursery and bought some flowers to plant so we had actual flowers to look at and watch grow and yes I got my hands dirty. I'm going to head back to the nursery this weekend to buy a few more because it really isn't that expensive and I really enjoyed doing it. Go figure, I might have found a hobby without even trying.

 

Failing house wife

As you get older, life just gets harder and organisation seems to be necessary. I'm not very good at organisation, I am not very good at keeping it all together and keeping on top of things and since starting a 9-5 it really has all fallen apart and I fail at a house wife, not that I am a wife but I fail at keeping my house together.

After working 9 hours, sitting in traffic to work and back, fetching Aiden from my parent s house and getting home at 6pm the last thing I feel like doing is cooking, so we eat toast, or porridge, or if I am feeling a little energetic, golden smackeroos with oven chips.

My bed is never made in the morning even though I do tidy the lounge and the kitchen, dishes are washed once a week and then when the domestic comes.

I don't do laundry. I buy Aiden enough clothes to last him a week and I have enough clothes to last me a few months before everything is dirty so that to is left for the domestic who comes once a week.

If it wasn't for the bf Aiden probably would be bathed twice a week.

I know I need to plan better, I know I just need to suck it up and cook healthy meals that are not eaten in front of the tv. I know I have to try harder. I know I have to get up even earlier to get some exercise in my day and I know I need to eat better before I become a full blown diabetic because that's where my sugar levels are headed.

I just suck as a house wife.

I seriously don't know how woman do it, how do you have a full time career and a family and a good toned body and a happy partner. I am exhausted.

It was easier when I worked for myself, I ran my own times. Now it's all a jumbled mess and I am drowning in not enough time, to much responsibilities and a wrath of guilt.

A Family shoot

A few weeks ago we were lucky enough to get a family shoot by the talented Jon Jon Hess photography, the day was filled with fun, laughs and amazing weather for the middle of winter. Jon Jon made us feel all at ease and some how performed miracles and got beautiful shots of my son and got him to work with the camera which is not easy task.

I couldn't be happier with the images and highly recommend him for any kind of photography you are needing, engagement shoots, weddings, family shoots, model portfolios or even campaign and event work.

Go give him a like on Facebook they often running competitions and you could win a shoot for yourself.

Here are some of my favourite shots.