Dear Mommy

You seriously are the best (even when we screaming at each other)

You raised us to be our own person, you pushed us to be unique even if that meant screwing up, you never asked us to be any one but ourselves.

You not a nagging mother, you always gave us our freedom to do what we want and with whim we want, you probably wish you saw us less instead of always moaning about never seeing you like other moms.

You have never once stopped helping us even as adults, supporting, encouraging, building up our dreams, being a shoulder to cry on, helping me raise my little runt and pushing us to be the best we can be, nothing more, nothing less, just the best us.

You raised us with high morals and good manners. You instilled generousity, compassion and sympathy in our hearts by the way you live your life.

You never stop loving us no matter what terrible deed we've done,  how badly we mess up and even when we not so nice to you, your love is always unconditional and always felt.

I hope I can be half the mother you are to Aiden. You are my role model, my friend and my rock.

Love you to the moon and back.

Happy Mothers Day
XXX

What it means to me

It is Mothers Day on Sunday and every year since I fell pregnant I kind of hide away from the day, it makes me sad, it brings up guilt, the past shows it's shiny face and I spend a lot of time crying.

You would think I would leave that for Fathers Day but then I just spoil Aiden rotten.

Mothers Day makes me sad because it reminds me of the situation Aiden has been born into, one I never dreamed of as a little girl having for her life. It reminds me how I failed, myself and my son, how I didn't get it right.

It brings so much guilt I feel nauseous, because as a mother I am supposed to protect and I never got the chance or the choice to do so.

The past comes knocking and all the emotions I felt back when I first fell pregnant and the first year, it all comes back and floods me and overwhelms me and I sit and wonder what I could have done differently. What could I have done to save the situation, fix it all for my son's sake.

And to top it off it makes me feel alone, that single mom feeling never quite leaves. Mothers Day is a reminder of that, that this is my 3rd one, 3 years I have survived doing this on my own.

I wish every mother, no matter what her situation a Happy Mothers Day, that she will stand tall and feel proud of what she has accomplished. Feel loved and needed and appreciated and that someone, anyone takes out the time to make her feel that way and if no one is there to do so, go buy yourself those flowers or bubble bath because you deserve it!

Week 3...digging deep

I wasn't going to do a post today.

Loosing weight is a touchy subject to begin with, sharing it with the world on a public forum isn't as easy as I thought it would be, but being honest is what I am best at.

So I cried this morning when I got on the scale and the numbers hadn't gone down for the second row running.

Now part of A New Weigh is 24 hour support which is incredible, I'm in a group of 12 woman who are doing the challenge and on Mondays we share our loss. Theirs are all great and mine isn't shifting. Which can be disheartening.

I did loose another 5cm and I feel great, I feel lighter,  my clothes are getting looser and I'm not so bloated any more but not seeing that number go down breaks my heart. 

I know it's my insulin resistance, I know there is a chance my body won't shift the weight, I know it's an extra hurdle I have to cross that other woman don't but it still sucks.

I am not giving up though, Gaelyn (the most awesome couch) has given me some tips and adjustments to help me along and I am really going to push the cardio as I know it makes a difference with my insulin levels.

I will reach my goal weight. I will keep trying. I will not quit.

Swinging from the rafters

When people spoke of the terrible two's being oh so terrible I always thought they were being a tad dramatic. I have a problem with listening to people warn me of what's ahead like when they told.me some children never sleep through the night, yeah my kid turned out to be one of those too.

Back to topic.

Terrible two's.

Oh my hat, it should be called the fucking, awful,  you going to want to hide away, run away, exchange your child, terrible two's.

Never have I seen my child in this new light he has bestowed upon us. He will literally stand in front of you and scream until his face is bright red and he has no scream left in him.

He throws things at you, food across the table and hits you with anything he can find.

He has melt to the floor, won't move, smack the ground tantrums.

He doesn't want anything but orange juice.

He refuses to bath and defying him will only create a massive amount of fury in a tiny body.

He has more energy than any living thing I have ever seen.

I am hoping he grows out of it soon because it's going to kill me.

Love from Bear

Week 2 on A New Weigh

The last week was a bit rough, I had a complete change in routine as I am substitute designing for another agency and when I change routine my body goes into panic, a little bit of insulin resistance and bipolar and I'm off the edge.

I managed to stick to the diet but the exercise was put on the backside with pure exhaustion and me being used to exercising in the morning.

I didn't loose weight but thankfully didn't put any on, I did loose 8.5 centimeters so at least my body is still getting smaller and that's the goal. So still on track!

Easter weekend adventures

I remember the days when Easter weekend was all about the party and drinking and hangovers and sleeping all day just to recoop to go to the next party. Now I can hardly drink a few Savanana's and when I think about the amount of alcohol I used to consume I'm shocked I am still alive!

Now My Easter weekends are filled with family, and outings to Rietvlei Farm, picnicing in our backyard, braais and cuddles while watching Disney movies...and I love it.

It was a chilled relaxed weekend and Aiden had some great days, he had his first pony ride, went to a petty zoo, jumping castles, face painting, seeing a plane show and watching soccer live to his very first proper Easter egg hunt. When that boy is happy, I am happy!

Love from Bear

Week 1 done and dusted

I started A New Weighs 12 week challenge last week and I'm not going to sit here and say it's easy, it takes some will power but it is totally worth it.

I made it through Easter weekend with only one teeny tiny mishap with a little chocolate egg but other than that only healthy food and exercise.

I lost 3kgs and 8 centimeters which I am super happy about because I never loose massive weight with my insulin resistance.

A weekend away at Monateng

Last weekend Brad and I got a much needed weekend away at Monateng Safari Lodge, 3 whole nights and 2 days of not being a mommy, of only doing what I wanted to do, it was pure bliss. It included a lot of sleeping, lots of wine and lots of good food and lazing about.

Monateng is just outside Pretoria so not far out to drive for the weekend and the service is great, every one greets you with a smile and always eager to help. Chalets are lovely and someone comes to clean it every morning. Lots to do if you have older children, with a pool and trampolines, and jumping castles and put put and so on and so on, for little kids not to much, you will be doing a lot of running around.

We did a game drive (not my thing, but Brad really wanted to go) and on Sundays the restaurant has an amazing special, 3 course lunch for R100.

All in all it was a great weekend and much needed time just for the two of us, we don't get much of that with wee Aiden running around.

A New Weigh

Today is the start of my A New Weigh 12 week challenge! I am so excited and so scared all at the same time.

I have never eally struggled with my weight till last year when in 6 months I picked up 10kgs for no reason at all, my doctor tested for everything and eventually diagnosed me with Insulin Resistance and put me on diabetic meds and sent me to a dietitian, I managed to loose 5kgs there but then my body just stopped and I lost moral to carry on and in the last 3 months picked it all up again and screwed up my insulin levels all over again and if I carry on this way I will end up being diabetic.

And so I start a new journey and a new challenge to try correct my heads way of seeing food and fitness.

I will catch up with you weekly on how it is going and how I am loosing and after 12 weeks will share with closed eyes my before shots and hopefully amazing after shots.

Here's to a new me.