Aiden is growing up so quickly, every day he is becoming more and more aware of his surroundings, he's a little boy, no longer my little baby, and every day I wonder when will it be the right time? What age will he know things aren't as perfect as they seem, that things are a little more complicated, that he has another life and another family that just are not in his. That he has a biological father that has chosen to not be there. Every day I wonder when do you tell this sweet little angel face about all the pain.
For now I know I can pretend a little longer, I can keep it from him for a while, he is to young to comprehend that the man he calls dad isn't his blood but by all means and accounts is his dad.
I know when the time comes I can't tell him the truth, that his bio dad is a complete asshole, who I hope rots in hell, I will have to be delicate and kind and maybe even throw in a few white lies for my little boys sake, for the sake of his heart and well being.
I know some mothers who are open about it from day 1, they have photo's and tell them all about them.
I know mom's like me who also avoid it like the black plague and instead keep it in themselves and let it boil the pain in the hearts every day to keep their child happy and painless for one day longer.
But that one day I know will be here sooner than I think, it will be like I blinked and their Aiden will be standing in front of me for answers, and I will have to decide which answers to give, where to hold my tongue and some how do it with out shattering his whole world I have so carefully tried to build for him.
People always judge me, and tell me how do I just pretend my reality isn't there, what they don't realise is that it is always their sitting at the back of my head, it's a constant lump in my throat and it's the knife in my heart that will never heal because as any mother does, we feel the pain that will hurt our child probably worse than they will.
It never goes away.
And it's a constant tug of war wondering if you have made the right choices so far and if the choices you have to make are also the right ones.
I'm terrified of when it will be the right time, I'm scared he will blame me or be angry at me, I am scared of the pain I know it will cause him, I am scared of him loosing his soft, caring and happy personality by letting the dark invade him like a ghost that the past always is.
He's only 2 now but before I know it he will be a man, and I know this will be part of a hole in his heart that nothing I do or say will take away.
Love from Bear
