Sleeping woes

It's 10:40am and I am struggling to keep my eyes open at my desk at work even after 5 espressos.

My child has never been a good sleep, he has never slept through the night, we on 2 years and 9 months of not sleeping, for the most part my body is used to it and I can handle it without loosing my cool (most of the time)

I think the one thing that has saved me is the fact that although Aiden wakes 2-3 times a night, he always happily went to bed at 7:30pm, no fuss, no crying and in his own bed and when he woke in the night he stayed in his bed. Meaning I could get to bed by 8:30pm and have at least 5 hours solid sleep before the rounds of waking start.

That has now shifted and I am not coping and I am not keeping my cool.

Since we moved to the new house he hates his room, he won't even go in there to fetch a toy he wants. He no longer wants to go to bed at 7:30pm he wants to watch a movie or get in bed with me and fall asleep. He screams, he goes out of his room and follows me around and it's killing me.

For the first 2 weeks we have been allowing him to fall asleep with me at 9pm and then we move him to his bed and then when he strolls in at 2am we have been putting him in bed with us. Now I know I don't want to start a bad habit so last night I decided to stand my ground and we fought for 2 hours we fought, going back and forth to his room, him screaming and crying, me eventually screaming and smacking at every count of 3, by 10:30pm he won, I couldn't do the broken hearted cries any more, I couldn't fight or get up to take him to his room one more time, what the neighbours think is any ones guess.

So he slept between us, moaning in my ear all night, kicking my back and taking up all the space and asking for juice every hour.

As a result pure exhaustion and lack of concentration.

And I still have to do it all over again tonight.

Any advice is welcome.

The one where my kid gets bullied

I knew I would have to face it at some point in Aiden's life, bullies are every where and never really leave your life even when you all grown up. Did I think it would hit me when he is only 2 and a half years old...no!

I have watched slowly the last couple months my sons behaviour and personality changing, at the beginning I thought it was just the next phase then I became worried. He has become withdrawn, quieter, more shy, more weepy, clingy, wanting his dummy all the time, not wanting to sleep in his own bed, not wanting to go to school or to be left alone to do anything by himself.

At first I thought it was because of my grannies passing and he felt our pain and then we moved so I thought he was unsettled but his behaviour has just become more and more intense.

A while ago he told me how S was a naughty boy and went to the corner for hitting the teacher, that was his story every day for a long time. Then every time he got an eina and I asked what happened he would say S hurt him, then the other day I asked him directly does S hurt you at school, and he just nodded his head.

I still tried to convince myself it must just be toddler age phases and all the kids doing it to each other, till I walked into his class this morning and watched S run and scare Aiden and wouldn't stop, even though Aiden was telling him to "stop it" and until Aiden started crying. At first I just stood there in shock because his teacher and assistant did nothing to diffuse the situation and then my fury was on the culprit. I pulled him and told him to stop doing that then gave the teachers a piece of my mind, I then proceeded to email the principal.

Her response:

We know about the situation and are busy trying to resolve it. And it is 2 children bullying your child not just S.

What, you know my child is being bullied and you didn't think of fucking contacting me, you joking right! I pay R2200 a month so my child can be terrorised into a different child and not have any one think to inform me.

That was my response.

My heart broke into a million pieces to know that I have been dropping my child off into an environment where he is being hurt, at an age where he doesn't fully understand, at an age where his personality is shaped and changed into what he will be in the future.

All I want to do is hang those children by their toes and whack some sense into the little buggers for messing with my child.

I don't really know how to deal with it, do I take him out of the school, do I sit and wait for the school to "deal" with it, do I call for a meeting with the culprits parents, do I teach my child to fight back and how do I get my sparky, vibrant, loving and brave boy back!

How do I get him to come out of that shell that I know to well from being bullied through out school, how do I take away that pain and insecurity that can possibly cripple him for years to come.

Why are people so mean.

Mommy guilt

I am a yeller.

I have a short temper.

I have no patience.

And as much as I know this and as much as every day when I wake up and tell myself I am going to stop and change, I always fail.

I read this article the other day and it brought me to tears because I don't want Aiden to fear me, I dont want him to fear making mistakes or to be to scared to come to me when he has done something wrong.

I yell over spilt milk, if he wiggles to much when I change his nappy, when he splashes and makes the whole bathroom wet. I yell at him for basically just being a kid.

And I hate myself for it.

I knew when I fell pregnant it would be something I struggled with, I have always been a perfectionist,  I have always liked things to be done right and in a certain way but I forget that this is a child learning, exploring and finding his feet in the world and I am hindering him from doing it.

I am not talking about discipline, he needs that, I know when he is naughty and I loose my cool it's understandable but I am talking about messing yogurt or taking his shoes off right after I have put them on.

The guilt consumes me and I feel like the worst mother alive. I see how my family look at me and they have told me before to calm down, my mother has even removed Aiden from my presence so that I cam calm down and Aiden can too.

I am creating the monster who yells back at me, I created the tantrums and the screaming when he is not being heard.

I am creating a yeller by being one.

Love from Bear

Life changes...remember to live it

If I close my eyes and think where I was last year this time and what my life consisted of, I can't believe the change, I can't remember where the time went, actually I can, it went to stressing, worrying, fighting, illness and negativity. I spent so much time focusing on all the things that were going wrong, yes things were bad all around but I forgot to live my life.

I forgot to love Aiden every day and revel in his stage of growth at the time. I forgot to lay in the sun and see the beauty in the summer. I forgot to visit friends that relationships have now weakened. I forgot to make time for myself for what I enjoy. I forgot to work at my relationship and nearly lost it because of it. I forgot to let my family know how much they mean to me.

I lost out.

I lost out on a whole year of my life because my focus was all in the wrong places.

I am in a much different frame of mind now ( yes meds made a huge difference ) but now I stop to smell the roses. Now that I am working 9-5 I appreciate those 2 days I get to spend with my family, partner and son every week. I wake up excited for the day ahead and what it brings, good or bad, I see the light and maybe I am not out of the tunnel yet but everything has a warm glow and I find myself finally living life again.

Don't forget, don't live in yesterday, don't worry about tomorrow, all we can do is right now and yes it might sound cliche' but don't wake up one day and feel like you lost out on a whole portion on your life because as much as you wish you could go back for those cuddles with your child and kiss your mom before you leave her house on Sundays and lay on that blanket and seep up the summer sun, you can't.

I am guilty of living in the past and guilty of stressing about the future, I consume my mind and soul with worry and I have missed out on so much instead of just simply, enjoying today.

Love from Bear

How I keep myself feeling like more than a mother

Since the day I fell pregnant I came second, time for myself was lost and for a while their all you would find me in is jeans and a t-shirt and a top bun. Once i got out of my hermit shell I found ways to keep myself looking fairly good and to do it in record time. I can now straighten my hair in less than 10 minutes, paint my nails while my kid is still awake and even turned the top bun into a stylish hairdo.

Here are my top products I use to save time and still keep myself feeling like more than just a mother.

Bennets Aqueous Bath drops - putting on cream or body butter is a treat and never an every day thing, this drops you put in the bath and moisturizes your skin while having a bath, killing two birds with one stone.

Johnsons Face Wipes - getting rid of the days make-up has never been easier and gives you a second boost of freshness to get through night duty.

Garnier BB Cream - I LOVE this stuff, best foundation ever made, it really does last all day, blends well, has an SPF 15 and moisturizer all in one.

Sock Bun Device - This little goodie makes the top bun look like a well planned hair-do instead of a lazy, I don't feel like brushing my hair day.

Maybeline Super Stay - Lipstick never lasts, smudges around your lips and goes on your teeth, this stuff lasts most of the day and dries so no smudging or teeth dying.

Wella Pro Series Moisturizing treatment - I have tried plenty hair treatments, this one is the best and it takes only 1 minute instead of the usual 20 minutes, who the hell gets to bath for 20 minutes! oh and it is only R36!

The Wet Brush - I have damaged my hair with countless times brushing my hair wet or not brushing it and having to pull knots out, this beauty glides through wet hair and any knots. My favourite little investment.

Woolworths Hand Cream - the only hand cream I will use, it's non greasy, smells great and leaves your hands feeling soft and revived.

Hair Candy - My beloved hair dresser Galan from Hair Candy, every now and then I treat myself to getting my hair done at the salon, he always does my hair exactly like I imagine it and he is so well priced!

Mr Price - I am a Mr Price junky, I have to stop myself from walking into their stores just so I don't bankrupt myself but when I feel like spoiling myself or need a little wardrobe pick me up, Mr Price is my go to shop, they fashion forward and affordable on a single moms wallet.

I was not paid or sponsored to write any of this, I genuinely love all these products and or services!  

Memories is what makes life rich

Sometime I just go MIA

It's been a while since my last post, sometimes I just don't know what to write about, sometimes life is just not exciting, sometimes I just don't have the time and right now I'm kinda going through a transition period, where my whole life is evolving into a new one and I don't quite know where I stand with everything. So I'll do a little catch up, hopefully with some intrigue to keep you reading.

I got a new job, yes I am still running my company on the side but I went and got myself a 9-5 job for the first time in my life. It's quite an adjustment. Not really working in an office or with so many people, that part I am loving and learning all the new things and the fact that it's in the fashion industry is a dream come true. The part I am struggling with is the times, working 9-5, that's the biggest knock, not having the freedom to go when I am done or when I am having a bad day and want the afternoon off. I can't any more and that's hard but I am adjusting.

Aiden is growing quicker than I can keep track of, for the first time I can say I am really loving this age. Yes he has tantrums and he is defiant and a little devil most days but his personality is so big and his imagination runs at such a pace and I am loving watching him turn into this unique little soul. Now to just get him to sleep at night, that would be great.

Relationships....oh relationships, they are so hard don't you think, people spend their whole lives wanting love but it probably is the hardest thing in life to get right. That's all I have to say about that other than love is good, it's always good in the end.

I am looking for a new little home...again...I really hate real estate agents and searching and searching and searching for a home but I need to, living with my parents although I appreciate it, it isn't good for me or Aiden.

See that's all I can really tell you. Life is just a bit mundane at the moment.

Love from Bear

Week 6 on A New Weigh

I am half way through my challenge and last week I had a little stumble or maybe a big stumble, either way I fell of the wagon and ate a whole lot of crap over the weekend. I knew it would effect my weigh in but thank the stars I didn't gain any weight, I lost 0.1kgs and 2.5cm's.

I'm still very far from my target but hoping to loose at least another 5 in the remainder of this challenge. I am still battling with the exercise, maybe it's the cold, pure laziness, me always feeling ill, having a child and little time and a little bit of hating anything vaguely sporty.

But I'm still going and still trying and that counts for something.

And my support group is kicking ass and are a lot of inspiration on all my bad days.

Go check out A New Weigh for more info and give them a like over on Facebook!

Endless battles with feeding my kid

The blog world this week has lit up with how to feed your kid and what is healthy and what is not healthy and how bad kids menu's are at resturants.

Now I agree with some of it and disagree with some of it.

I agree we should teach our kids from young what is healthy and what is not, I don't agree with being an insane mom who smothers her child with cucumber and the latest trend of what is acceptable eating.

Spur for example is fun and their food is fun, I take my child to Spur for fun, I don't go to Spur and eat salad, I eat buffalo wings and chips with blue cheese sauce and I enjoy it, not daily or weekly but as a now and again treat, if they took mac n cheese off the kiddies menu my kid would literally not eat!

Now my kid is a picky eater and as I was raised I do not force feed him anything, if he isn't hungry he doesn't have to eat and if he doesn't like what is made he can choose an option that is easily prepared or what I buy in advance, like Woolies kiddies mac n cheese (Aidens version is awesome noodles), shop bought muffins, bovril toast, yogurt, porraige or fish fingers.

He doesn't like veg.

He doesn't like meat.

He doesn't like rice or potatoes.

I don't like most veg, I don't like my food touching or stews and soups. I don't like cottage pie and I hate salad. I don't eat it but I still eat a healthy diet.

Fair enough my kid isn't eating a balanced diet but he isn't malnourished or some crazy zombie child. He is a kid. I apparently would only eat spaghetti bolognaise as a kid and I am perfectly fine adjusted adult. Yes a tad over weight from pregnancy and being insulin resistant but definitely not from mac n cheese and chicken nuggets as a kid.

For some reason Aiden will eat all food at school, teachers say it's a monkey see, monkey do effect so I know at least 5 days out the week for breakfast, snack and lunch he is getting in all his veggies, protein, fruit and dairy so I am not to phased about the other meals being less than adequate.

Maybe I am a bad parent or a lazy one but I'm not going to make my kid scared of food, of eating or having fun. There should be balance in everything, parenting today has become so structured,  so rigid, so fad related and high strung.

Let kids be kids, hot dogs on white bread and all!

Week 4 and 5 - A New Weigh

I didn't post last week, I was super busy with a hundred different jobs and couldn't squeeze any thing in.

I'm really happy,  over the last 2 weeks I've lost another 1.5kgs and 10 centimeters bringing me to a total loss of 4.5kgs and 30.5cm's!

I'm finally under the 70kg mark and only 10kgs to go before my goal weight.

I've been struggling with exercising which I normally do but I jaf an adjustment in meds and been feeling ill for weeks but going to force myself to get my ass moving this week so I can start toning my body as well.

Dear Mommy

You seriously are the best (even when we screaming at each other)

You raised us to be our own person, you pushed us to be unique even if that meant screwing up, you never asked us to be any one but ourselves.

You not a nagging mother, you always gave us our freedom to do what we want and with whim we want, you probably wish you saw us less instead of always moaning about never seeing you like other moms.

You have never once stopped helping us even as adults, supporting, encouraging, building up our dreams, being a shoulder to cry on, helping me raise my little runt and pushing us to be the best we can be, nothing more, nothing less, just the best us.

You raised us with high morals and good manners. You instilled generousity, compassion and sympathy in our hearts by the way you live your life.

You never stop loving us no matter what terrible deed we've done,  how badly we mess up and even when we not so nice to you, your love is always unconditional and always felt.

I hope I can be half the mother you are to Aiden. You are my role model, my friend and my rock.

Love you to the moon and back.

Happy Mothers Day
XXX

What it means to me

It is Mothers Day on Sunday and every year since I fell pregnant I kind of hide away from the day, it makes me sad, it brings up guilt, the past shows it's shiny face and I spend a lot of time crying.

You would think I would leave that for Fathers Day but then I just spoil Aiden rotten.

Mothers Day makes me sad because it reminds me of the situation Aiden has been born into, one I never dreamed of as a little girl having for her life. It reminds me how I failed, myself and my son, how I didn't get it right.

It brings so much guilt I feel nauseous, because as a mother I am supposed to protect and I never got the chance or the choice to do so.

The past comes knocking and all the emotions I felt back when I first fell pregnant and the first year, it all comes back and floods me and overwhelms me and I sit and wonder what I could have done differently. What could I have done to save the situation, fix it all for my son's sake.

And to top it off it makes me feel alone, that single mom feeling never quite leaves. Mothers Day is a reminder of that, that this is my 3rd one, 3 years I have survived doing this on my own.

I wish every mother, no matter what her situation a Happy Mothers Day, that she will stand tall and feel proud of what she has accomplished. Feel loved and needed and appreciated and that someone, anyone takes out the time to make her feel that way and if no one is there to do so, go buy yourself those flowers or bubble bath because you deserve it!

Week 3...digging deep

I wasn't going to do a post today.

Loosing weight is a touchy subject to begin with, sharing it with the world on a public forum isn't as easy as I thought it would be, but being honest is what I am best at.

So I cried this morning when I got on the scale and the numbers hadn't gone down for the second row running.

Now part of A New Weigh is 24 hour support which is incredible, I'm in a group of 12 woman who are doing the challenge and on Mondays we share our loss. Theirs are all great and mine isn't shifting. Which can be disheartening.

I did loose another 5cm and I feel great, I feel lighter,  my clothes are getting looser and I'm not so bloated any more but not seeing that number go down breaks my heart. 

I know it's my insulin resistance, I know there is a chance my body won't shift the weight, I know it's an extra hurdle I have to cross that other woman don't but it still sucks.

I am not giving up though, Gaelyn (the most awesome couch) has given me some tips and adjustments to help me along and I am really going to push the cardio as I know it makes a difference with my insulin levels.

I will reach my goal weight. I will keep trying. I will not quit.

Swinging from the rafters

When people spoke of the terrible two's being oh so terrible I always thought they were being a tad dramatic. I have a problem with listening to people warn me of what's ahead like when they told.me some children never sleep through the night, yeah my kid turned out to be one of those too.

Back to topic.

Terrible two's.

Oh my hat, it should be called the fucking, awful,  you going to want to hide away, run away, exchange your child, terrible two's.

Never have I seen my child in this new light he has bestowed upon us. He will literally stand in front of you and scream until his face is bright red and he has no scream left in him.

He throws things at you, food across the table and hits you with anything he can find.

He has melt to the floor, won't move, smack the ground tantrums.

He doesn't want anything but orange juice.

He refuses to bath and defying him will only create a massive amount of fury in a tiny body.

He has more energy than any living thing I have ever seen.

I am hoping he grows out of it soon because it's going to kill me.

Love from Bear