Anxiety Girl

I've always been a bit of a control freak, okay I am an insane control freak and I have always been an over thinker. I constantly think of past situations and always try figure out what is going to happen in the future. I drive people insane with my incessive need for a plan and for things to go a certain way.

I also have developed a serious anxiety problem that stems from all kinds of crap. To try explain it, I would literally be writing for days.

This is what my doctor says:

I am suffering from Chronic Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because of all the shitty things I have been through. So with my naturally controlling personality I am literally turning my great life in to a tug of war. My sub conscious is trying to control my own sabotage because my life has fallen apart so many times and my conscious conscious is trying to control everything so much so my life doesn't fall apart thus leaving me with anxiety.

But anxiety so bad it literally is depleting my body. My body the other day basically shut down with a panic attack so bad I ended up in hospital because I went completely paralyzed. Scary stuff I tell you.

You don't really think about what situations do to you, sometimes you just keep going because you have to, you just carry on being strong because that's whats expected of you but it eventually will catch up to you and when it does and when you leave it for years and years, it can almost kill you or literally send you to a padded room and thank God I never got that bad.

And then there is of course my refusal to believe I am Bi-polar when my doctor told me 5 years ago, so when he saw what state I was in he wasn't happy about me not being on the right medication.

I'm 2 weeks into my new medication and I am finally feeling human again and realised just how bad I had gotten, how I still have a boyfriend and friends still is beyond me but truly blessed they stuck around.

People don't understand these things and I have been scared to put this out there but it's the truth and it needs to be okay that this is part of who I am.

I am Anxiety Girl but I get shit done because of it.

Love from Bear